i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
