I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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