Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
