Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Found the puke drawer
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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