Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
