is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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