somebody snuck up and got me drunk
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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