Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
