im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's blow job season.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
