I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Randomize
