she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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