GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
