yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
