I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
