I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize