I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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