She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
