mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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