His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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