Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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