Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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