Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Randomize
