Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize