How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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