She is in my trunk
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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