Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
