you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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