i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
