life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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