Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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