I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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