I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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