never play flip cup with pint glasses
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I will be naked everywhere
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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