i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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