I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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