Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
