Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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