Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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