Your face is a jimmy john
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
