obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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