I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize