It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize