When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
