I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Come share oat with me in your robe
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
