Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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