Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
