god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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