ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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