he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
