My underwear smells like fireworks.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
