my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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