Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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