I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize