Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
