Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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