Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
