i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
